The Worthless Son-in-Laws Drivelstream 1.0

The Worthless Son-in-Laws,

sons-in-law of various mothers-in-law who have chosen to remain unnamed,

request the honor of your presence

even if your honor has been besmirched a bit already

at our

Album Release Party

for our new album

Resplendent Verge

on Saturday

the twenty-first of July, two thousand eighteen

that means this Saturday

you know, like July 21st, 2018

only written out in words instead of numbers

and probably said with a British or at least a Charleston accent

At eight o’clock in the evening

(that’s 8:00 p.m., numbers nerds)

at the Boone Saloon

Boone, North Carolina

so you can hang out and talk some before

music begins promptly at nine p.m. in the post meridian

(9:00 p.m. in the p.m.)

you’re welcome, old people

we will have unintelligible stage patter 

where you understand every third or fourth word

it’s alright just laugh when everyone else does

With special guests

Earleine, Noelle Austin, and Aaron Ballance

because they are amazing

and well we need all the help we can get

Formal dress not required

thank god

but it can’t hurt, either

A small donation at the door of five dollars is requested

and is not really technically a donation

since we aren’t a charity

so even if you are just being charitable

you can’t write it off on your taxes

unless you are entertaining business clients or something

otherwise you can stand outside on the sidewalk

and pretend to smoke

or actually smoke

but for liability purposes we will note here that smoking will usually eventually kill you

and you can look through the window 

but it makes those people at the window table nervous

when you do that

There will be merchandise for sale

including the new compact disc

whatever that is

that we probably shouldn’t sell before the official release date

but you are our friends so it’s o.k.

&

we’re actually kind of proud of it

&

we want you to hear it

&

we have t-shirts

so we can supplement the millions of dollars

we already make 

every time you stream one of our songs on Spotify or Pandora

The Boone Saloon will be purveying various alcoholic and non-alcoholic libations

& comestibles

in exchange for any money you have left over 

after buying CDs and t-shirts for all your relatives

Please come

because we like you

and because your friends will be there

especially if you invite them to come with you

and who else is going to give you a ride home otherwise

and also because we only have an album release party

every five or seven years or so

So, really.

Thanks.

Love,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Facebook event page

Spotify

Pandora

Put on your scuba gear, ladies and gentlemen!

The Worthless Son-in-Laws are returning to Murphy’s Restaurant & Pub this Friday, February 10th.  Not only is Murphy’s Boone’s divey-est dive, but its oldest dive, according to their website.  Which is good, because we are slowly working our way toward becoming Boone’s oldest and divey-est band, and it feels good to finally be within reach of one of those seemingly-unattainable goals we set for ourselves when we first started out way back when.

Murphy’s is one of those places with a sense of history. If the walls of Murphy’s could talk, you might learn some historical things about your friends or significant others—or maybe even about your friends with your significant others—that you really didn’t want to know and certainly didn’t want delivered in a fake Irish accent.  Thankfully for us all, the walls of Murphy’s are rendered mute by an impenetrable layer of historical cigarette-smoke resin.

If that’s not enough enticement, our friend Earleine and her friends (some of whom may look awfully familiar) will be playing a set.

We’ve been hard at work (*cough*) on our next record, and during part of that process, our friend Noelle Austin from Grow Well joined us for some harmony vocals.  She is planning to reprise these fine harmonies onstage with us for this show!

Please join us.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Invite yourself

Waste even more time on the computer

 

Disclaimer: Yes, we split an infinitive up there.  Deal with it.  Have you noticed the name of the band?

Dear friends, lovers, confidantes, hangers-on, Monday man-crushes, Wednesday woman-crushes, Tuesday two-toed sloth-crushes, throwback-Thursdayers, weekday-order warriors, temporary mini-igloo dwellers, mildly-dismayed family members, and occasionally-engaged acquaintances,

Happy New Year!  

We hope it’s far enough along into 2017 that your new year’s resolutions have already gone the way of representative democracy in America and that you now have the freedom to go ahead and do whatever thing it is that isn’t necessarily good for you but that you really wanted to do in the first place and were going to end up doing eventually anyway.  Especially if one of those things was hanging out at bars in Blowing Rock.

Because that’s exactly what we plan to do this Saturday, January 14th from 9 pm to 1 am at Twigs (which is, as you may have suspected, a bar in Blowing Rock (or rather, a restaurant in Blowing Rock that has a bar in it, if one of your resolutions was to be annoying).  And while the term ‘Blowing Rock bar’ might conjure up images of Realtors lounging around on black-vinyl-padded chrome bar stools and checking themselves out in wall-sized mirrors amid a fantasy of 80’s decor, Twigs is actually a cozy little place with lots of sticks.  Er, twigs.  Well, not to nitpick too much, but those are sticks.

We will be occupying the little alcove in the back by the bar; you, hopefully, will be sitting in comfortable chairs comfortably enjoying comfort food and comfort beverages and letting those resolutions gently slip away with likely minimal consequences other than a strangely pleasant ebbing of unnecessary tension and a sense of financial security brought on by the knowledge that there was no cover charge.

For you trivia buffs, this will be our first Worthless Son-in-Laws show of 2017.  Please make it yours, too!

Cheers,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Invite yourself

Want to make sure you don’t miss this drivel?  Join our mailing list!

Dear Colleague:

It has come to our attention that the Worthless Son-in-Laws will be participating in two musical performances this weekend. It is indeed a positive development that we ourselves have received notice of this actionable intel, as we are the said performing group in question, and plan to continue being such, moving forward. We would also like to empower you with the specifics of this buzzworthy cafeteria plan so that you, too, can vertically integrate your elective activities in order to transition to a boots-on-the-ground experience in grey-sourcing your entertainment.

Let’s use this window of opportunity to drill down: we will be conferencing at the Jones House Community Center in Boone, North Carolina, this Friday the 26th of August, at 5:00 PM.  Furthermore, in the interests of continuity, scalability, synergy, and a robust capitalization on previous experience and successes, we will then be playing at 3:00 PM on this Saturday the 27th of August at the High Country Beer Festival.  One of these performances is low-hanging fruit (it’s right downtown, admittance is complementary); the other sits at a price point of $40 per person and involves ostensibly judicious imbibement of boutique fermented heirloom grain beverages.  We leave it to your powers of deduction and econometrics to discern which is which. It’s not rocket surgery.

In these venues, we hope to be leveraging our core competency, which is amplified modulations in tone, melody, and rhythm combined with somewhat fluid laryngeal expression, hopefully in a way that is external to the box, which moves the needle, and which hopefully actions the ultimate end-game of paradigm-shifting transcendence for the listener.  Or at least results in his or her taking ownership of a state of pleasant distraction.  Consistent with our organizational DNA, we plan to impact our audience with a combined team effort of 110%, the optics of which can’t be overstated.

At this juncture, it’s time to position this virtual goat rodeo at the next level and go for the ask, which is where we reach out (and if we want to engage in best practices, use the imperative form):

 Please come see us.

All the best,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

 

Gain traction with your friends by evangelizing:

Jones House
High Country Beer Fest
Notes and disclaimers: The skills ecosystem at the Jones House will include fellow NC songwriters Jay Brown, David Childers, and Aaron Burdett.  Coalition partners at the High Country Beer Fest will include the Backsliders and Dead of Winter.  Please note that a combined team effort of 110% requires an average effort of only 27.5% from any one member of the band in a quartet situation.  There will be no reverse logistics available.

Howdy, Friends,

Just wanted to let you know that the Worthless Son-in-Laws are playing tomorrow evening at Valle Crucis Park, around 7:00 PM.

Our fifth show ever was a gig playing for the nascent Valle Crucis Music in the Park series in 2004.  There were at least 15 people there, and only nine of them left after the first three songs. Hey, it was raining.

After all these years, the Valle Crucis Music in the Park series is still free and open to the public.  Well, almost—there is the not-so-tacit suggestion of a $5 donation to the park, which you should probably cough up, because they just purchased a brand new sound system and have employed a sound tech for the weekly concert series.

We also need to let you know that our man Dave is now a bona fide Worthless Son-in-Law!  He already pretty much had the worthless part down (talk about over-qualified—Who loves ya, Dave?!), but he made himself an official hubsband this past June by getting himself hitched to a winsome young woman who amazingly has neither low self-esteem nor a degenerative eye disease.  (Who still loves ya, Dave?!)

We hope you will join us in this moment to reflect on love, family, and gratitude for the fact that Dave does not have access to the emailing list or the blog publishing interface.

As for the show at the park, don’t forget your picnic basket, food, cleverly-concealed adult beverages, chairs, blankets, kids, dogs, pigs, pigs in a blanket, etc.

In years past, it was sufficient preparation to also bring along umbrellas, rain jackets, kites, keys, aluminum ladders, portable UHF antennae, flagpoles, stilts, Wizard of Oz® official Tin Woodman costumes, that kind of thing.  But after that last storm we had a few weeks ago (yes, during a concert in the park), it has come to our attention that it might help if you bring along your chainsaw and that winch you got on craigslist five years ago but still haven’t installed on your truck.

[REDACTED: inappropriate comment about Dave buying a winch on craigslist]

Hope to see you soon!

Invite your friends.

(Seriously, congratulations, Dave.  Yer the man.)

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Disclaimer:  If, during our performance and accompanying thunderstorm, you are on stilts and wearing a Wizard of Oz® official Tin Woodman costume, holding aloft a giant UHF antenna, we cannot be held responsible for potentially injurious or fatal natural occurrences, your awareness or lack thereof concerning weather-related cloud-to-ground charge differentials and conductivity of various metals notwithstanding. 

Dear friend,

It’s a few hours until our next show, and we’re letting you know it right now, because we know how you like spontaneity and stuff.

And since it’s Mother’s Day weekend, it’s a good time to think about your mom, and maybe you can imagine her telling you how you need to get off the internets and get out more, you know, go meet some some nice people, see some live music, eat some real food, and drink some craft beer on a Friday night like a good boy or girl should.  You spend too much time on that Wikipedia thing, and when did you get so interested in Hawaiian foot massage, anyway?  It’s not healthy.  And maybe if you sent your emails out a week earlier, honey, more people would come to your shows.

Speaking of moms, why don’t you bring yours?  This show starts at 8:00, so she can handle it. And she does love her some craft beer.

If you’re bringing Mom, you might as well bring the kids, too.  Because when your small child is asking an unsettling number of questions about monster trucks, it’s about time to get them interested in music.  We will put them onstage with a tambourine, and you can enjoy watching your child experience the joys of music, as well as watching the veins bulge out of Dave’s forehead as he tries to keep time unthwarted by your child’s unique inner-drummer. Won’t you and your mom and Dave’s mom be proud?

We hope to see you soon.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Howdy friends,
If you’re a regular patron of Twigs bar in Blowing Rock, you can ignore this message, and we will see you soon.

However, if you are not a Twigular, then we would like to inform you that this Saturday, in the later post-meridian hours (9 until close), we will be occupying the alcove-like stage near the bar at Twigs and playing some songs for the (hopeful) enjoyment of Twigulars and ferners alike.

The evening will begin with our famed New BBC trio version, and then Jimmy will show up at some point to make the Son-in-Laws completely Worthless. Then we’ll play the theme music from Jerry Maguire.

We hope you can join us!

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

O.k., Good Peoples, here’s the deal:
The Worthless Son-in-Laws are playing tonight (yes, tonight—I know, don’t give me that look) at Galileo’s for the annual Western Youth Network (a charitable group helping youths in the High Country) benefit hosted by Psi Chi (a shady cartel of pre-owned-home-tanning-booth merchants intent on passing themselves off as the National Honor Society in Psychology, and getting away with, too, it by inviting bands with professors in them to play their fundraisers).  We will be joined by our friends Folk and Dagger, another band which, like us, has hidden an ASU professor or two within its ranks as part of some kind of witness-protection deal.

Basically, it’s old nerds playing music for young nerds for a good cause—who could ask for more?

Our rhythm section will be indisposed this evening (they said something about tonight being the only time they’d have this week to organize their Netflix queues and take the recycling), but we are not holding it against them too much, because we are hoping to make up for their absence by have a special guest (or two) playing with us. Noelle, one half of the excellent local duo Grow Well, will be joining us on vocals and banjo and tap shoes. Not only does Noelle sound great, but she will significantly lower the average age of the band, to boot.

So please come out and support Western Youth Network and listen to some live music.  (And feel free to let any of-age Psi Chi members buy you a beer, but when they start talking about how you’ve been looking a little pale lately, it’s time to leave—don’t say we didn’t warn you.)

Apparently, there will be raffles and stuff.  You may even win a gift certificate worth $10 toward a slightly dented home tanning booth!  Or not.

Festivities start at 10:00 PM sharp. Facebook event page here.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Disclaimer: No one made you read all the way to the bottom of this unnecessarily lengthy post only to find out there are no coupon codes anywhere within the entire thing. That was solely a result of your misplaced hopes and dreams.