Ladies and Gentlemens:

Here are the top ten or so reasons to see the Worthless Son-in-Laws this Saturday, April 9th, 10:00 PM at Galileo’s:

1. There is no obligation to bake a pie in order to attend.
2. You know you will get a second wind if you can actually make it out of the house and down to Galileo’s.
3. That second wind might come in a glass and be relatively inexpensive, considering.
4. That attractive person you’ve had your eye on might be there.
5. If that attractive person is there, then he or she obviously has questionable taste in music, making it more likely that he or she has questionable taste in mates; therefore, you have a fighting chance (QED).
6. Your ex will probably not be there.
7. (Seriously, it is highly unlikely.)
8. You just got paid last week and want to celebrate.
9. You didn’t get paid last week, but you can feign questionable taste in music in order to get someone to buy you a sandwich.
10. Coming to the show will not cause a government shutdown (usually).

Of course, there are other reasons, too, but some of them involve embarrassing facts about various family members, so we’ll just leave it at that

We do hope to see you soon.

Your pals
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

Now that the requisite April Fool’s joke is out of the way, we’d like to invite you to come to Char in downtown Boone tonight (April 1, 2011) from 8-11 or so, where we will be playing as part of the GSAS Pie Auction (and party).  We will be in our anti-inflation missing-man-formation three-piece incarnation.  With pie.

More info here:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=184834888212565

Hope to see you there.

Cheers,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Next show:  April 9th, Galileo’s, Boone, NC

Disclaimer:  If you do not like pie, you may need professional counseling.

Dear Friends,

Tomorrow night (Saturday), after possibly attending a postponed Mardi Gras party, you may want to keep the party going (or start a new one) by heading out to the Boone Saloon to see some live music.  The Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing along with Winston-Salem’s Caleb Caudle and the Bayonets as well as Onward, Soldier, who will be coming all the way from Wilmington.

We are not sure of the order of the performances, but it looks like we will play in the middle.  Not only can you hear some fine music (and us, too), but Rob will be glad to talk to you about his recent trip to New Orleans, if he can remember any of it.  And if you throw mardi gras beads at us, we might show you our one-pack abs. Besides, you need to stay up late anyway in order to spring your clock forward at the government-approved time.

If you have not been to the Saloon in a while, now is the time to do it. Three bands for five bucks is hard to beat, even when one of the bands is us. Let’s welcome these for’ners and show them a Boone-style good time (and by that I mean the one that doesn’t involve livestock).

Cheers,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

You are probably going to the Boone Saloon after work today (Friday, February 25th), so instead of leaving just as you were starting to have fun, why not hang around a little longer, eat some dinner, and have a few more beers, because if you stay long enough, you will get to see some live music.  Granted, it is only yours trulles, but we will be sharing the stage with some friends of ours, a fine music-making outfit known as Naked Gods. We will play first, around 10:30.

It is o.k. if you need to go home and walk the dogs, as long as you come back later.  Lord knows we are not going to come over to your house and clean it up for you, especially in the small hours of Saturday morning.

This show is a benefit for a member of the Boone Saloon family who unfortunately has some serious medical bills pending.  The bands are helping to make up for our slack health-industrial complex by donating their take at the door, and the Boone Saloon is matching that, so your 7 bucks becomes 14 bucks for a good cause. So that’s not just one, but TWO drops in the proverbial bucket.

Not only that, but today is the Boone Saloon’s 7th anniversary, so they are having some beer specials, including Dale’s Pale pints for $2.  Dale’s Pale apparently cures pessimism, at least temporarily, so we may even try some ourselfs.

Our resident soccer fan, Mr. Dave Brewer, of Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor/Boone Saloon bartending fame, will again be helping to make up for our slack (some would say non-existent) percussion-industrial complex by joining us on the drums, for which we are most grateful.  It is o.k. to tip him even when he is not behind the bar.

We hope to see you there.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S.  Invite your friends (or your “friends”) here:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=165985423453374

Dear friends and fan and your three kids,

This Saturday, October 23rd, The Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing at the Valle Crucis Punkin Festival. This does not mean we will be sporting studded dog collars and mohawks and whipping through our X, Germs, Sex Pistols, and Flipper covers (like last time), but it does mean people with questionable spelling skillz will be hosting a fall-themed festival with pumpkin carvings and crafts and food, etc., and that people with questionable grammar skills (i.e., yours trulies) will be providing quote-unquote “entertainment.”  Despite our presence, this event is considered “kid-friendly.”

The whole deal starts at 11:00 AM and runs until 4:00 PM.  We will play two sets, one from approximately 11:00 AM to 12:30 PM and one from approximately 1:30 PM to 2:30 or 3:00 PM.  There will possibly be some storytellers in the interim. Location is behind the Mast Store Annex on Broadstone Road (down the road from the original Mast Store).

Admission is FREE, but if you have kids, you will end up spending an average of one month’s salary per child for non-nutritive comestibles and participation in various games and pumpkin carving. Which is o.k., because all proceeds go to benefit the Western Youth Network. This will also keep your kids from crying and introduce them to gambling at the same time, which is worth far more than your meager salary.  There will also be face planting.  I mean face painting, but that reminds us that there will also be sack races.

Seriously (srsly), it will be fun and will also support a good cause (and our good friends who work and volunteer for WYN).  It is supposed to be “sunny and pleasant” in Valle Crucis Saturday, which could mean anything, so please come on out.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Disclaimer:  We are not responsible for anything. Please don’t sue us.

Our dear fine friends,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws, in their infinite slackitude, are just now giving you some last-minute notice that we have a show tonight at the Boone Saloon with Guard the Van.  Good news for old people:  we are playing first.  Middling news for old people: starting first probably means 10:30 or 10:45 PM.  You should come anyway, old people.  What other band gives you so much love?

We have bid a fond farewell to our friend and drummer, Lucas Bowman, with whom we have thoroughly enjoyed rocking but who had to move back to the wilds of Maryland to work on getting a “real” job, muttering something about how he couldn’t really survive on the three dollars and forty-one cents the Worthless Son-in-Laws paid him on an irregular basis.  We were hoping he would be able to play this show and make it a proper farewell party, but it was not to be.  It just goes to show, you really can’t expect us to do anything properly.

Not to worry, though–the percussion section will be ably represented by our multi-talented old friend, master of rock (and rock trivia (and general trivia, for that matter)), Boone Saloon employee, Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor member, journalist, and all around good guy, Mr. Dave Brewer, who not only is an excellent guitar player, singer, etc., but an excellent drummer, and he also gives us 50 cents each time we put “Mr.” in front of his name.  So, it will still be a party.  (Dude.)

In other news, I (Jimmy) am a proud new daddy of a month-old baby girl. If I fall asleep during our performance, it’s o.k. to come up to the stage and nudge me.  However, if you fall asleep during our performance, we will put your hand in warm water.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Our dear fine friends,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws, in their infinite slackitude, are just now giving you some last-minute notice that we have a show tonight at the Boone Saloon with Guard the Van.  Good news for old people:  we are playing first.  Middling news for old people: starting first probably means 10:30 or 10:45 PM.  You should come anyway, old people.  What other band gives you so much love?

We have bid a fond farewell to our friend and drummer, Lucas Bowman, with whom we have thoroughly enjoyed rocking but who had to move back to the wilds of Maryland to work on getting a “real” job, muttering something about how he couldn’t really survive on the three dollars and forty-one cents the Worthless Son-in-Laws paid him on an irregular basis.  We were hoping he would be able to play this show and make it a proper farewell party, but it was not to be.  It just goes to show, you really can’t expect us to do anything properly.

Not to worry, though–the percussion section will be ably represented by our multi-talented old friend, master of rock (and rock trivia (and general trivia, for that matter)), Boone Saloon employee, Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor member, journalist, and all around good guy, Mr. Dave Brewer, who not only is an excellent guitar player, singer, etc., but an excellent drummer, and he also gives us 50 cents each time we put “Mr.” in front of his name.  So, it will still be a party.  (Dude.)

In other news, I (Jimmy) am a proud new daddy of a month-old baby girl. If I fall asleep during our performance, it’s o.k. to come up to the stage and nudge me.  However, if you fall asleep during our performance, we will put your hand in warm water.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

We know you need to rest up for the High Country Farm Tour this weekend, but your list of excuses for not attending the Worthless Son-in-Laws show at the Jones House this Friday, August 6 is going to be reduced by two when you find out that this show is A.) early (we play at 6:00 PM), and B.) free (no costume required).  We know the list is 8-pages single-spaced, but we have to start somewhere.  We’d love to see you. We will be playing a short set on the Jones House front porch.  Then you can go on an art crawl.

The show starts at 5:00 PM with Danny Whittington.  We don’t know anything about Danny, but we’re hoping he’s not too good, because we have to go on after him.

You might want to get there early if you don’t want any territorial octogenarians from off the mountain giving you the evil eye when you plunk your chairs down within 10 feet of their staked-out patch of grass.  If you get there first, you can give THEM the evil eye.  But let’s all try to be civil, shall we?  And when we’re done with that, maybe we can relegate the word “shall” to antiquity, where it belongs.

Hope to see you soon.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S.: While you are planning your weekend, you should know we are also playing Saturday evening at Galileo’s.  While this show is not free, it is only $5, and the money goes for a good cause, which is fighting breast cancer.  We will be joining several other bands, including our pals the High Country Neckbeard Orchestra, the Major 7′s, and the Drawlstrings.  This show starts at 6:00PM and runs until after midnight.  We start at 8:00 PM.

Disclaimer:  As we certainly hope to be territorial octogenarians one day ourselves, no actual octogenarians were purposely harmed or insulted during the composition of this e-mail.  I mean, come on, old people don’t really even have eight legs, anyway.

P.S. You seriously should consider going on the High Country Farm Tour this weekend.  It’s pretty cool.

Dear friends,

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Todd, it turns out that the Worthless Son-in-Laws are playing this Friday evening, July 30th, at the Todd General Store, from about 7-9PM.  It will be a stripped-down version of us, and before that conjures up any frightening images, we are defining “stripped-down” as meaning just Rob & Jimmy playing instead of the whole band.

Speaking of arbitrary definitions, some advertisements for the event state that we will be playing bluegrass.  Well, o.k., as long as no real bluegrass musicians show up to beat us over the head with banjos and mandolins. Rob still has bruises from last time.

The show is free, although you may be hit up for a small donation.  Donations will help assure that no clothing is removed during the set.

We hope you will join us.

In other news, according to Jimmy’s sister, we are famous.  Which just means that we were on TV.  If you miss seeing it when it’s aired, you can visit MTN18′s website and click on the Watauga Arts Council segment, you will see us doing a short interview and a song.

Sincerely,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear friends, comrades, and fellow involuntary members of the community of tarnished reputations:

You may have read in the paper alongside our ancient publicity photo that we are playing the Riverfest celebration in Valle Crucis this Saturday.  As much as we like rivers, and as much as we like to believe everything we read in print, this rumor has no basis in fact.  It is also not true.

However, and fortunately for us, we will be playing later that same day at Todd Park, which is also near a river.  For those of you with calendars, that’s 2-4PM on this Saturday, July 24th.

Todd Park is a place with nice grass, some trees, a creek, and a stage in the heart of beautiful and historic Todd, North Carolina.  Bring a chair or a blanket and maybe some sort of shade-producing device such as an umbrella, a sombrero, Conan hair, or an extra-large mono-brow.  You can also bring a picnic, if you need a second lunch or an early dinner, or food and drinks are available from the adjacent nearby local stores which are right in the vicinity proximate to the park.

The first 50 people there dressed as a Chik-Fil-A cow will get in free!  (And just so you know, so will anyone else, as this is technically a free show, but it sure would be entertaining for the rest of us if you came as a cow).

Feel free to forward this message to any unsuspecting individuals as a test of the bounds of your friendship.

In solidarity,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws