The Worthless Son-in-Laws Drivelstream 1.0

Dear Friends,

O.k., we know you’re going to see Gillian Welch, but just humor us.

This Friday, August 26th, at 7:00 PM, the Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing the annual “picnic in a thunderstorm” event at Valle Crucis Park, a special subseries of the Valle Crucis “Music in the Park” series.  This show is free and open to the unsuspecting public.

Last year at this event, we played to several intrepid picnickers huddled under the pavilion near the stage while frightened children and dogs clung to their legs, their hot dog and hamburger buns disintegrating into a paste resembling wet toilet paper.  They were not too happy about this, but they did think it was pretty cool to be able to fold potato chips in half without breaking them. Since these people have certainly learned their lesson, we will need some new blood out there this year. This is where you come in.

Yes, it may be slightly uncomfortable at the time, but you can always laugh about it later, and you’ll end up with cherished memories that will last a lifetime if you don’t subsequently do anything else very interesting, and you can pass them down to your children and grandchildren and enjoy the thought that these stories will be a key part of your family’s oral history until you realize your family fell asleep listening to you about half an hour ago.

And to really give it the hard sell, for those of you who enjoy a certain class of entertainment, we would remind you that there is pretty much no possibility of seeing anyone get struck by lightning in Farthing Auditorium.

Even if there are no lightning injuries, there will be something worth seeing.  We are pleased–nay, stoked–to announce that a special guest will join us for this performance (and we are not talking about some shirtless dude spontaneously jumping onstage to do the noodle dance). No, Boone’s own insanely talented Melissa Reaves will be sitting in with us for a few songs on violin and vocals.  We are very excited to be playing with an actual musician, which is almost as cool as seeing someone get hit by lightning.  Although she may be sorry she agreed to share the stage with us, you will not be.  Seriously, she sounds amazing.

So, good friends, we hope to see you soon.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Disclaimer:  We can take no responsibility for anyone being struck by lightning during our show.  The National Weather Service reports that you have a 1 in 10,000 chance of being struck by lightning during your lifetime.  The official odds of someone being struck during a Worthless Son-in-Laws performance is a secret closely guarded by the NWS, but an inside source who will remain unnamed told us it’s probably no more than 1 in 5.  And since we are tempting fate by rambling on about it (and will be in close proximity to a lot of electrical cords and equipment), the victim will most likely be one of the band members, which will serve us right, as some people we know have actually been hit by lightning and find the experience nothing to make light of.  FYI, the current odds of winning the NC “education” megamillions lottery are 1 in 175,711,536, and if you win, we will take responsibility for that and will expect at least a 20% cut.  If you’re not playing the lottery, you may be able to make some real cash by selling your Gillian Welch ticket.  Just please don’t sell it to Rob.

Dear Friends,

A couple of us grew up in Georgia, where they used to say the only good thing about Alabama is that it keeps Mississippi farther away. And then, to pay off the karmic debt of having said it one too many times, Rob ended up living in Mississippi for a while, where they would say the only good thing about Alabama is that it keeps Mississippi farther away. (Every once in a while Rob would point out that they actually were in Mississippi, to no avail.)

Since that time, however, through various travel-related educational experiences, bribes, threats, back-room deals, and discovering that Molly Hatchet is actually from Florida, we have all been thoroughly disabused of our prejudices not only regarding Mississippi, but also its sister state, Alabama (which, incidentally, it married, but that’s another story). Anyway, we now know that, aside from a governor or ten, Alabama produces some very fine folks, some of whom are even our beloved friends and family.

Recently, some of those fine friends and families, and their friends and families, and the friends and families and neighbors of those friends and families suffered mightily in the recent tornadoes in Alabama (which, to their credit, were actually aiming for Georgia). To help these good people get back on their feet, the Boone Saloon is hosting the Tornado Relief Benefit Concert featuring Dog Tale (funk and folk rock from Asheville), our pal Jacob Turner (amazing guitarist from Greensboro), and The Worthless Son-in-Laws (budget mid-life-crisis management from Boone).

Cover is only $5, and all proceeds from the show will go to the American Red Cross Southern Tornadoes and Related Floods Fund. In addition to Alabamians, this fund also benefits residents of Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, and Tennessee, but that can’t be helped.

Hope to see you there!

Love,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S. Even if you can’t make it, please help spread the word:http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=181988295192739

Dear Friends,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing not one, not two, but three outdoor shows this weekend, which not only means plenty of rain for the garden, but also that you will need to come up with three good excuses to avoid seeing us if you are planning to avoid hurting our moms’ feelings. (If you’re spending some extra time having that “10-4, Good Buddy!” tattoo removed, shopping for a 42″ flat-screen TV for your parole officer, or googling how to delete pictures of yourself in a towel you accidentally tweeted, you’re golden; otherwise, we hope to see you.)

FYI, Rob just spent a few weeks in Bulgaria, and we are fully expecting him to emerge from his absinthe fog before the Jones House gig this evening.  He can still play guitar, but we will be a lot less concerned as soon as he starts speaking English and eating solid food again.  And, to be honest, the barking is getting a little annoying.

The shows are as follows:

Jones House Concert on the Lawn, 5:00 PM Friday June 17th (Jeff Luckadoo at 5:00, we follow around 6:00)

Murphy’s on the back deck, around 7:00 PM Friday June 17t

Todd Music in the Park Series, 5:00 PM (note new time), Saturday June 18th (King Bees will follow us around 7

See you soon.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S. If you are on Facebook, come visit our page sometime–remember, you don’t have to like us to “like” us!

Howdy, Friends,

A three-piece version of the Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing this morning from 9-11AM at the first Wednesday Watauga County Farmers’ Market of the season, now in its new location in the KMart parking lot during its new morning hours.  We will be helping to save energy by being totally off the grid for this performance. Admittedly, this was more of a circumstantial thing than the result of any benevolence toward the environment on our part, but happily, it matches with our general feelings of benevolence toward the environment and also happens to temporarily relieve us of the responsibility of carrying a bunch of heavy sound equipment.

As shopping at the farmers’ market is also good for the environment in more ways than there is sufficient space to enumerate here before we’ve had coffee, we invite you to join us.

Hope you can stop by.

Yours,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Ladies and Gentlemens:

Here are the top ten or so reasons to see the Worthless Son-in-Laws this Saturday, April 9th, 10:00 PM at Galileo’s:

1. There is no obligation to bake a pie in order to attend.
2. You know you will get a second wind if you can actually make it out of the house and down to Galileo’s.
3. That second wind might come in a glass and be relatively inexpensive, considering.
4. That attractive person you’ve had your eye on might be there.
5. If that attractive person is there, then he or she obviously has questionable taste in music, making it more likely that he or she has questionable taste in mates; therefore, you have a fighting chance (QED).
6. Your ex will probably not be there.
7. (Seriously, it is highly unlikely.)
8. You just got paid last week and want to celebrate.
9. You didn’t get paid last week, but you can feign questionable taste in music in order to get someone to buy you a sandwich.
10. Coming to the show will not cause a government shutdown (usually).

Of course, there are other reasons, too, but some of them involve embarrassing facts about various family members, so we’ll just leave it at that

We do hope to see you soon.

Your pals
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

Now that the requisite April Fool’s joke is out of the way, we’d like to invite you to come to Char in downtown Boone tonight (April 1, 2011) from 8-11 or so, where we will be playing as part of the GSAS Pie Auction (and party).  We will be in our anti-inflation missing-man-formation three-piece incarnation.  With pie.

More info here:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=184834888212565

Hope to see you there.

Cheers,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Next show:  April 9th, Galileo’s, Boone, NC

Disclaimer:  If you do not like pie, you may need professional counseling.

Dear Friends,

Tomorrow night (Saturday), after possibly attending a postponed Mardi Gras party, you may want to keep the party going (or start a new one) by heading out to the Boone Saloon to see some live music.  The Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing along with Winston-Salem’s Caleb Caudle and the Bayonets as well as Onward, Soldier, who will be coming all the way from Wilmington.

We are not sure of the order of the performances, but it looks like we will play in the middle.  Not only can you hear some fine music (and us, too), but Rob will be glad to talk to you about his recent trip to New Orleans, if he can remember any of it.  And if you throw mardi gras beads at us, we might show you our one-pack abs. Besides, you need to stay up late anyway in order to spring your clock forward at the government-approved time.

If you have not been to the Saloon in a while, now is the time to do it. Three bands for five bucks is hard to beat, even when one of the bands is us. Let’s welcome these for’ners and show them a Boone-style good time (and by that I mean the one that doesn’t involve livestock).

Cheers,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

You are probably going to the Boone Saloon after work today (Friday, February 25th), so instead of leaving just as you were starting to have fun, why not hang around a little longer, eat some dinner, and have a few more beers, because if you stay long enough, you will get to see some live music.  Granted, it is only yours trulles, but we will be sharing the stage with some friends of ours, a fine music-making outfit known as Naked Gods. We will play first, around 10:30.

It is o.k. if you need to go home and walk the dogs, as long as you come back later.  Lord knows we are not going to come over to your house and clean it up for you, especially in the small hours of Saturday morning.

This show is a benefit for a member of the Boone Saloon family who unfortunately has some serious medical bills pending.  The bands are helping to make up for our slack health-industrial complex by donating their take at the door, and the Boone Saloon is matching that, so your 7 bucks becomes 14 bucks for a good cause. So that’s not just one, but TWO drops in the proverbial bucket.

Not only that, but today is the Boone Saloon’s 7th anniversary, so they are having some beer specials, including Dale’s Pale pints for $2.  Dale’s Pale apparently cures pessimism, at least temporarily, so we may even try some ourselfs.

Our resident soccer fan, Mr. Dave Brewer, of Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor/Boone Saloon bartending fame, will again be helping to make up for our slack (some would say non-existent) percussion-industrial complex by joining us on the drums, for which we are most grateful.  It is o.k. to tip him even when he is not behind the bar.

We hope to see you there.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S.  Invite your friends (or your “friends”) here:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=165985423453374

Dear friends and fan and your three kids,

This Saturday, October 23rd, The Worthless Son-in-Laws will be playing at the Valle Crucis Punkin Festival. This does not mean we will be sporting studded dog collars and mohawks and whipping through our X, Germs, Sex Pistols, and Flipper covers (like last time), but it does mean people with questionable spelling skillz will be hosting a fall-themed festival with pumpkin carvings and crafts and food, etc., and that people with questionable grammar skills (i.e., yours trulies) will be providing quote-unquote “entertainment.”  Despite our presence, this event is considered “kid-friendly.”

The whole deal starts at 11:00 AM and runs until 4:00 PM.  We will play two sets, one from approximately 11:00 AM to 12:30 PM and one from approximately 1:30 PM to 2:30 or 3:00 PM.  There will possibly be some storytellers in the interim. Location is behind the Mast Store Annex on Broadstone Road (down the road from the original Mast Store).

Admission is FREE, but if you have kids, you will end up spending an average of one month’s salary per child for non-nutritive comestibles and participation in various games and pumpkin carving. Which is o.k., because all proceeds go to benefit the Western Youth Network. This will also keep your kids from crying and introduce them to gambling at the same time, which is worth far more than your meager salary.  There will also be face planting.  I mean face painting, but that reminds us that there will also be sack races.

Seriously (srsly), it will be fun and will also support a good cause (and our good friends who work and volunteer for WYN).  It is supposed to be “sunny and pleasant” in Valle Crucis Saturday, which could mean anything, so please come on out.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Disclaimer:  We are not responsible for anything. Please don’t sue us.

Our dear fine friends,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws, in their infinite slackitude, are just now giving you some last-minute notice that we have a show tonight at the Boone Saloon with Guard the Van.  Good news for old people:  we are playing first.  Middling news for old people: starting first probably means 10:30 or 10:45 PM.  You should come anyway, old people.  What other band gives you so much love?

We have bid a fond farewell to our friend and drummer, Lucas Bowman, with whom we have thoroughly enjoyed rocking but who had to move back to the wilds of Maryland to work on getting a “real” job, muttering something about how he couldn’t really survive on the three dollars and forty-one cents the Worthless Son-in-Laws paid him on an irregular basis.  We were hoping he would be able to play this show and make it a proper farewell party, but it was not to be.  It just goes to show, you really can’t expect us to do anything properly.

Not to worry, though–the percussion section will be ably represented by our multi-talented old friend, master of rock (and rock trivia (and general trivia, for that matter)), Boone Saloon employee, Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor member, journalist, and all around good guy, Mr. Dave Brewer, who not only is an excellent guitar player, singer, etc., but an excellent drummer, and he also gives us 50 cents each time we put “Mr.” in front of his name.  So, it will still be a party.  (Dude.)

In other news, I (Jimmy) am a proud new daddy of a month-old baby girl. If I fall asleep during our performance, it’s o.k. to come up to the stage and nudge me.  However, if you fall asleep during our performance, we will put your hand in warm water.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws