The Worthless Son-in-Laws Drivelstream 1.0

Our dear fine friends,

The Worthless Son-in-Laws, in their infinite slackitude, are just now giving you some last-minute notice that we have a show tonight at the Boone Saloon with Guard the Van.  Good news for old people:  we are playing first.  Middling news for old people: starting first probably means 10:30 or 10:45 PM.  You should come anyway, old people.  What other band gives you so much love?

We have bid a fond farewell to our friend and drummer, Lucas Bowman, with whom we have thoroughly enjoyed rocking but who had to move back to the wilds of Maryland to work on getting a “real” job, muttering something about how he couldn’t really survive on the three dollars and forty-one cents the Worthless Son-in-Laws paid him on an irregular basis.  We were hoping he would be able to play this show and make it a proper farewell party, but it was not to be.  It just goes to show, you really can’t expect us to do anything properly.

Not to worry, though–the percussion section will be ably represented by our multi-talented old friend, master of rock (and rock trivia (and general trivia, for that matter)), Boone Saloon employee, Possum Jenkins/Soul Benefactor member, journalist, and all around good guy, Mr. Dave Brewer, who not only is an excellent guitar player, singer, etc., but an excellent drummer, and he also gives us 50 cents each time we put “Mr.” in front of his name.  So, it will still be a party.  (Dude.)

In other news, I (Jimmy) am a proud new daddy of a month-old baby girl. If I fall asleep during our performance, it’s o.k. to come up to the stage and nudge me.  However, if you fall asleep during our performance, we will put your hand in warm water.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends,

We know you need to rest up for the High Country Farm Tour this weekend, but your list of excuses for not attending the Worthless Son-in-Laws show at the Jones House this Friday, August 6 is going to be reduced by two when you find out that this show is A.) early (we play at 6:00 PM), and B.) free (no costume required).  We know the list is 8-pages single-spaced, but we have to start somewhere.  We’d love to see you. We will be playing a short set on the Jones House front porch.  Then you can go on an art crawl.

The show starts at 5:00 PM with Danny Whittington.  We don’t know anything about Danny, but we’re hoping he’s not too good, because we have to go on after him.

You might want to get there early if you don’t want any territorial octogenarians from off the mountain giving you the evil eye when you plunk your chairs down within 10 feet of their staked-out patch of grass.  If you get there first, you can give THEM the evil eye.  But let’s all try to be civil, shall we?  And when we’re done with that, maybe we can relegate the word “shall” to antiquity, where it belongs.

Hope to see you soon.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S.: While you are planning your weekend, you should know we are also playing Saturday evening at Galileo’s.  While this show is not free, it is only $5, and the money goes for a good cause, which is fighting breast cancer.  We will be joining several other bands, including our pals the High Country Neckbeard Orchestra, the Major 7’s, and the Drawlstrings.  This show starts at 6:00PM and runs until after midnight.  We start at 8:00 PM.

Disclaimer:  As we certainly hope to be territorial octogenarians one day ourselves, no actual octogenarians were purposely harmed or insulted during the composition of this e-mail.  I mean, come on, old people don’t really even have eight legs, anyway.

P.S. You seriously should consider going on the High Country Farm Tour this weekend.  It’s pretty cool.

 

Dear friends,

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Todd, it turns out that the Worthless Son-in-Laws are playing this Friday evening, July 30th, at the Todd General Store, from about 7-9PM.  It will be a stripped-down version of us, and before that conjures up any frightening images, we are defining “stripped-down” as meaning just Rob & Jimmy playing instead of the whole band.

Speaking of arbitrary definitions, some advertisements for the event state that we will be playing bluegrass.  Well, o.k., as long as no real bluegrass musicians show up to beat us over the head with banjos and mandolins. Rob still has bruises from last time.

The show is free, although you may be hit up for a small donation.  Donations will help assure that no clothing is removed during the set.

We hope you will join us.

In other news, according to Jimmy’s sister, we are famous.  Which just means that we were on TV.  If you miss seeing it when it’s aired, you can visit MTN18’s website and click on the Watauga Arts Council segment, you will see us doing a short interview and a song.

Sincerely,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear friends, comrades, and fellow involuntary members of the community of tarnished reputations:

You may have read in the paper alongside our ancient publicity photo that we are playing the Riverfest celebration in Valle Crucis this Saturday.  As much as we like rivers, and as much as we like to believe everything we read in print, this rumor has no basis in fact.  It is also not true.

However, and fortunately for us, we will be playing later that same day at Todd Park, which is also near a river.  For those of you with calendars, that’s 2-4PM on this Saturday, July 24th.

Todd Park is a place with nice grass, some trees, a creek, and a stage in the heart of beautiful and historic Todd, North Carolina.  Bring a chair or a blanket and maybe some sort of shade-producing device such as an umbrella, a sombrero, Conan hair, or an extra-large mono-brow.  You can also bring a picnic, if you need a second lunch or an early dinner, or food and drinks are available from the adjacent nearby local stores which are right in the vicinity proximate to the park.

The first 50 people there dressed as a Chik-Fil-A cow will get in free!  (And just so you know, so will anyone else, as this is technically a free show, but it sure would be entertaining for the rest of us if you came as a cow).

Feel free to forward this message to any unsuspecting individuals as a test of the bounds of your friendship.

In solidarity,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

 

 

Howdy, y’alls,

Just wanted to let you know that if you need to make a road trip (or, rather, ROAD TRIP!!!) then come on down to the Garage in Winston-Salem this Friday, July 9th for the Boone Thunder Revue.  We will be joining our good friends and compatriots Possum Jenkins and the Naked Gods for a night of out-of-town rock’n’roll mayhem. Should be at least two-thirds awesome, and we will be doing our damnedest to keep our third up to snuff.

Remember, road-trippers, BP’s CEO doesn’t want you to carpool (or have a designated driver), which is pretty much why you should.

If you have friends in Winston or Salem, please let them know.  Maybe they will invite you to sleep on their couch.

Muchas gracias,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dude.

Let’s face it: your weekend is shot.  With all this rain messing up your schedule, all you’re going to get to do is cut grass.  Or clean out the passenger side of your truck.  Or go through that Salvation Army pile when your spouse isn’t looking and put several of those old concert t-shirts back in your drawer. Or maybe go to some friends’ wedding–or maybe even your own wedding (in which case more is shot than just your weekend).

Really, the only way you’re going to get to do anything fun this weekend without having to wear fancy clothes you will never wear again is to start your weekend on Thursday, a time when that melancholy Sunday evening “I hope this hangover is gone before I have to go to work tomorrow” feeling is a long, long way away.

So, how does it work?  Well, the first thing you do is put on some comfortable clothes that you don’t mind someone spilling beer on, like that Black Sabbath shirt you just rescued from the Salvation Army pile. Then, on Thursday night, you head down to the Boone Saloon to see the Worthless Son-in-Laws.  The show starts at about 10:30 PM, but it’s good if you get there a little earlier so that you can hear what your friends are saying when they talk to you. If they feel like you are listening to them, they are more likely to buy you a drink.

Then, later on in the weekend, while you are sitting there trying to forever hold your peace, you can think “at least I already did something fun this weekend where I got to wear my Black Sabbath shirt. And I saw the Worthless Son-in-Laws, too.”

See you at the Saloon…

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

P.S. Just so’s you knows, we have put up another (free) mp3 on our Listen page.  It’s a drum-less practice room version of our new song “(My Pocketknife Says) Life is Strange.”  The track is also posted on our facebook page.  If you’d like us to send the mp3 file to you directly over e-mail, reply to this e-mail with the word “mp3” in the subject line, even though that is not really a word.  There is also an article in the High Country Press.

P.P.S.  Also, if your weekend is not really shot, and you would like to shoot at least some of it, come out Friday evening to the Relay for Life thing at the (current) Watauga High School stadium.  Rob and Jimmy will be doing a short acoustic set from around 6:15-7:00 PM before the opening ceremonies.

 

 

 

Dear friends, pets, and embarrassed family members,

In case you didn’t know, in New Zealand they have this thing called the “Young Farmer Contest” in which several young farmers from around the country compete for hefty prizes, scholarships and a manly vehicle of some sort–and it’s all televised. Kind of like American Idol, except for farmers.

Whereas your average American Idol participant doesn’t really know what “idol” means and thinks that that is kind of a big word even though it only has four letters, these young kiwi farmers have serious competitions in which contestants may have to build a fence, run a portable sawmill, vaccinate a herd of sheep, or fix a tractor or some other piece of equipment within a certain period of time. The quiz portion of the show even includes math questions.

Let’s just say there would be a lot fewer contestants for Simon Cowell to send home crying, or at least a higher proportion of nerds to send home crying, if aspiring American Idols had to take a math quiz.

While it is true that we have no idea how well the young kiwi farmers can sing, we can at least be reasonably sure that they do not need J-Lo to guest coach their wardrobe selection, and so far none of them have mentioned anything publicly about pants on the ground.

The reason we are talking about farmers is that this Saturday, and pretty much every Saturday (and every Wednesday) this summer, you have a chance to meet some real farmers, right here in Watauga County, at the aptly named Watauga County Farmers’ Market.  And while the probability is low that any of them are from New Zealand, and while not all of them are young, they do know a thing or two about growing things (or fixing a tractor). You can also meet some fine craftspeople, nurseryfolk, caffeinated beverage purveyors, online calendar celebrities, and your neighbors (who really would like to have a word with you about your propensity to spy on their consumption habits and who have been saying around town that your “cloth” grocery bag is really made out of polypropylene).

And this Saturday, June 12th, from about 8:30 AM to about 11:00 AM, you can also meet (or hurry past at a safe distance) some local folk-indie-rock musicians, some of whom are us.  Don’t ask us any math questions, and we won’t sing about pants–deal?

Hope to see you there.

Your pals,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

Dear Friends, Trusted Associates, and Respected Colleagues,

The musical group known as the Worthless Son-in-Laws, in whose e-mailing list you have somehow become (perhaps involuntarily) entangled, would like to let you know of an impending performance at the Watauga County Farmers’ Market this Saturday, the 22nd of May, 2010, at approximately 8:30 o’clock in the morning.

If you are not familiar with the particular joys of getting up early of a Saturday morning; strolling along the many stalls and shade tents burgeoning with local and organic produce, meats, plants, flowers, and crafts; drinking too much coffee; eating a fried pie even though you already had an ample breakfast; spying on the consumption habits of your neighbors and fellow community members; and filling your eco-friendly cloth bag with sundry vegetables and fruits, the names of some of which you can’t remember or spell when you are trying to google a recipe for them later in the week, well, then consider this your invitation to participate in one of the finer of life in Boone’s many pleasures.  Of course, it could be argued that there is no such thing as too much coffee.

Now, add to that idyllic scene a soundtrack of live acousticized local indie-Americana music, and you will find that it hopefully does not detract too much from said joys.

Please stop by and say hello.

Yours ever,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

On deck:
Watauga County Wednesday Farmers’ Market, Wednesday afternoon, June 2nd

In the Hole:
Valle Crucis Park, Friday evening, June 4th

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Just announced…a show at Galileo’s this Saturday with our new pals Sentry and our conjoined-at-the-drummer siamese twin, the High Country Neck-Beard Orchestra.

You didn’t want to go to Merlefest anyway.  And you don’t need Goldman Sachs’ mad math skillz to figure that the $50+ you’re saving on a ticket will buy a LOT of beverages at Galileo’s. And maybe even a grilled cheese to boot.

Things will probably get started sometime around 9 or 10.

You can RSVP at the Facebook event page.

Poster here: http://www.soninlaws.com/posters/100501%20galileo’s%20poster.pdf

With gratitude,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws

 

Alright, y’alls.  Here’s the deal:  The Worfless Son-in-Laws are playing our second gig at Galileo’s in Boone (that is to say, not the second gig we have ever played, but the second gig at Galileo’s) on the evening of April 3rd, which is a Saturday, which is the Saturday before Easter.  Easter, as we all know, is the day many people celebrate, among other things, having attended a fabulous concert the previous evening.  And having eaten egg-shaped malted milk candy for breakfast.  And having a new plaid shirt and yellow-denim jacket that you will never wear again.

There will be four, yes, FOUR, bands playing on the evening in question, one of which will be our pals and banjo-playing-drummer-stealers The High Country Neck Beard Orchestra.

The Worthless Son-in-Laws, being three-quarters long in the tooth and all, will probably go on early-like, around 8:30 if we go first or 9:30 if we play second, so that we will be able to take our dentures out and have our glasses of warm milk on time at 10:30.  Nothing is set in stone at the moment, except the warm milk, but hopefully we will update you on Saturday with a more solid schedule.

We hope you will plan to join us.

Love,
The Worthless Son-in-Laws